7 Things to Consider Before Considering a Divorce

Maybe you're going through a crisis in your marriage right now.  Maybe you think bailing out of the marriage is the only solution to your marital woes.  And maybe, divorce is really the best option for you right now.  I get it!  But before you jump the gun on getting a divorce, I would like you to consider these 7 things...


1. Is Your Marriage Repairable - I have friends who have a habit of buying a new fan or microwave oven when their current one gets damaged or when it isn't working properly.  I really think its a waste of money for them to just hastily replace the damaged one with a new one.  How could they not consider having any of these appliances repaired? Is it because it has become a habit?

Can you imagine if you treated your marriage the same way?  That would be bad!  With this, I would really encourage all of you to ask yourselves if your marriage is repairable.

 2. Take a Step Back and Think Hard - Again, why are you rushing through things?  Take a step back and think things through.  If, at the end of your reflective moment you still feel like going through a divorce is the only option, then go ahead.  The point is simply for you to be able to tell yourself that you were never hasty about it.

3. Can You Afford to Live On One Income - If you and your spouse have a two income lifestyle, I want you to consider that things are going to change when you file for divorce.  Be aware that you may never be able to afford paying monthly payments to your luxury car or the monthly dues to your country club membership.  This doesn't mean you should stay married for financial reasons.  Just be aware that going through a divorce will impact your finances... big time.

4. Be Aware That You Will Experience a Life Change - If you were a housewife, you'll probably have to go to school or get a job on the side.  Or maybe you have a degree but because of your current situation, you may now have to get a higher degree to get a better paying job.

5. Seek Professional Help - By going to a marriage counselor.  C'mon!  What have you got to lose?  If you're still determined to file for a divorce, do it after you've exhausted all of your options.  No one's gonna stop you anyway.  But at least you can tell yourself you've tried everything in the book.

6. How Will the Children Take the Divorce - Children are better at coping with life changes more than what we think they're capable of.  Of course, you don't want your children to be exposed to domestic violence and all that crap but, again, if the marriage is repairable and all options haven't been exhausted, for the children's sake... take your time and make sure divorce is the only solution.

7. Shop Wisely for Good Representation - There are plenty of family law attorneys but most of them are just in it for the money.  Some could actually care less about your situation and what you're trying to accomplish.  To others, you're just a number.  That's bad!  Can you imagine paying $300/hour only to find out that your lawyer wasn't really paying close attention to your case..

Getting a divorce is a very tough decision.  And it's also a big one.   So before you jump right into it. Please make sure that you can honestly tell yourself you've done all you can to fix your marriage but it still wasn't effective and that divorce is the only solution.

7 Things To Consider Before Going On a Second Date!

It's close to Valentine's day and you're getting anxious.  Guys have invited you to go out with them but you don't know whom to pick.

But for some of you, you're still waiting for that guy to ask you out.

Whether it's an act of desperation or excitement, here are a few things to consider before you say "yes" to a guy on a second date.

1. Are You Still Interested? - This is probably the most important question you should ask yourself when considering the idea of going out with a guy on the second date.  I mean, if your first date was a "poof", why even bother to go for seconds, right?

If you decide to say YES, please don't expect too much.

2. Do You Have Anything to Do? - Because chances are, you're probably just bored!  Or maybe, you really don't have plans for the night which is why you probably even entertained the idea of going out with someone you're not really fond of.

Be honest with yourself about this.  The last thing you want is to go out with a guy your really don't like and end up listening to the sounds of crickets!

3.  Was He Even Fun to Be With? - Because if he wasn't fun at all the first time around, what makes you think the second date would be better?  Do not fool yourself!  Recall if the first date got you looking at your watch, your phone or all around because your date wasn't that engaging.

Dates are supposed to be FUN!  If he wasn't fun the first time around, he won't be fun the second time around.  Move on!

4.  Chivalry Is NOT Dead - Unless the dude you went out on a date with treated you like shit!  If he did, why even bother going out for date #2?  You'd be nuts to even consider it.  See, if the guy didn't even open doors for you or at least covered the tab for you... DON'T give him another opportunity!

5.  Does He Like You? - Was he interested in you?  Why would he want to go out with you and why would you even bother accepting his invite if he wasn't even interested in you.  Some guys just like talking about themselves and may have found you to be a "good listener".  And now he wants to invite you out because he felt good about you nodding your head in agreement to him the first time around.  Don't give this dufus another chance!

6.  Did He Even Value the First Date? - If the guy simply "winged" the first date and made no effort to make the first date impressive, to say the least... why even bother to go for seconds.  Drop it and move on.  It's not gonna be worth it!

7.  Are You Comfortable With the Plans?  - Is he gonna take you to a deserted place?  Are you gonna make out or smoke pot?  Are you down with his plans?

Girl, you have to know what you're gonna get yourself into.  It's the second date and you guys aren't really exclusive yet so there shouldn't be any surprises at this point.  It's all about "getting to know" each other and part of this is knowing what the plan for the evening is.

The bottom line is you shouldn't have to say "yes" to second dates like you owe every guy something and that we, as men, are entitled to it.

We have to make a good impression on the first date so that you, or every girl that went out on a first date, would want to give us a shot at another date without any hesitation.

Time For a Cool Change

"The more things change, the more they stay the same" - Proverb

After years of struggling to find my equilibrium, it's safe to say that I've yet to come to terms with this chapter of my life.  I believe I'm experiencing a recession in my life.  And yes, it's costly!  

Am I scared?  Yes!  But I'm ready to move on.  Change is the only solution to my situation.  However, my sentimentality has prevented me to move on.  But when I give it more thought, I think I'm just being an arrogant son of a bitch!

Why am I worrying about other people and what they may say about me if I made decisions for myself?  Why am I even trying to flatter myself into thinking that they actually give a fuck?  Did I just say the word "fuck"?  Oh no!  I'm gonna burn in hell and turn off a lot of people.  Or maybe not because people actually don't care about what I say anyway.

But I need change, a cool change.  

Here are some of the changes I need to make in my life in order for it to be better!

Order - I need to prioritize the people and goals in my life.  I just can't operate like a "chicken without a head".  And yes, I must say "goodbye" to some people who are time wasters.

The Habit of Saying "NO" - I admit.  I am a "people pleaser".  If I can say "yes" to make everybody happy, I would.  But should I?  No!  Whoa!  I just said it.  I need to say "No" more often.  I need to be able to say it without feeling guilty.  Doing this will give me more time to focus on my life's Order.

Establish Boundaries - I believed that what's mine is also yours!  Share the wealth right?  I loved the fact that other people were enjoying the fruits of my labor... until they started taking most of what I worked for.  LOL!  Well, it wasn't really funny.  Establishing boundaries not only makes it hard for people to abuse what I want to be charitable of, but it also protects what I've worked hard for to achieve.

Slow Down - I'm not in my twenties anymore.  My doctor has advised me to slow down.  I shouldn't stress over useless things.  I should appreciate what I currently have.  At my age, I'm simply chasing the years of my life.  But do I really need to chase it?  I'm just gonna walk behind it and enjoy what life has to offer.  Simple pleasures rock!

Sleep More - Do I really need to do a Game of Thrones marathon?  Do I really need to be up at 1am and consume only 3 hours of sleep.  My dad dies of a stroke because he abused his body.  Why am I following in his footsteps?  I still want to see my children grow!

Revamp the Menu - Everything starts in the kitchen.  If I want to live longer, I need to stay healthy.  I can't be eating all those greasy stuff!  Gotta change what's inside my fridge and pantry

A New Mindset - A humble heart.  I need to get back to basics.  Yes, I need a Savior in my life.  I really need Jesus!  I need to reconnect.  This whole "I can make it on my own" really doesn't work for me.  It feels empty!

There are so many things I need to work on in my life to make a cool change.  I'll start with these bullets first.  I know I'll get far.  But in order to get a ahead, I must follow through with it.  Or else it doesn't make sense to even begin.

Yes I know.  It's time for a cool change!

Guitar Series - 3rd-G Cristobal

Photo description:  3rdG Cristobal and Paco Arespacochaga at Club LQ in New York City for INTRoVOYS' 2005 reunion tour

In my years at La Salle Greenhills, I would always see 3rdG messing with his rondalla (plectrum musical instrument). I wasn't impressed at all. I didn't care much about music back in 7th grade. But 3rdG was!

He wanted to be famous...and to that, I was able to relate. 

Fast forward to 1986, we were in our sophomore year when 3rdG told me he was ready to form a band. I was like... "There's no way you're bringing that rondalla up on stage,man!"  He assured me he was going to play guitars. What a relief. 

We set out to score our first rehearsal gig at a rehearsal place called Bootleg, located in White Planes Quezon City. I called the the place to book our band. The guy on the other end, who was kinda uninterested, ask the name of the band. 3rdG told me to say "InstruVoice" but for some reason, the guy booking our rehearsal misspelled it and wrote down INTRoVOYS!  How funny! But we didn't care.

3rdG and I brought in Jonathan Buencamino to jam with us.  The line up was 3rdG on guitars, Jonathan on keyboards and me on VOCALS.  We were to cover Depeche Mode's "Everything Counts In Large Amounts". Epic fail guys!

I was so out of tune in singing and Jonathan was more of a pianist than a keyboard/synth player. So we decided to let Jonathan take over the singing chore and I was to become... OBSOLETE!!! 

I didn't know how to play any musical instrument and I thought I could sing! There was my short lived dream of becoming famous, I thought to myself. I wanted to cry but decided to put up a straight face and just smiled as I watched Jonathan and 3rdG jam. 

3rdG didn't want me to feel left out so he ask me if I wanted to sit behind the drum kit. I said "yes" even if I didn't know how to play. But 3rdG knew what to do behind the drums and he taught me a rhythm I learned pretty fast! 

All three of us were surprised that I learned how to play my first beat in less than 5 minutes! I was desperate!

And we were all happy and excited about our first accomplishment.  

Looking back, I always go back to that moment when 3rdG healed my broken wing.  He knew I shared his dream and passion and he made sure I was part of the ride. I had learned more beats since then and have now considered myself a "drummer". But I will always be grateful to 3rdG Cristobal for encouraging me and for introducing me to an instrument that gave me a life other people can only dream of!

Where I Left Off

It's funny how time flies. In just a few hours, another year will be added to my life. Interestingly enough, I don't feel a tad older. I do remember back in the day, I'd rush my body and mind to grow up already. Today, I just chill!

But a huge question still hangs over my head.  Every so often, I catch myself rhetorically asking "do I like where I am?" and I don't recall giving a response.  Sad. 

And although I've mentioned earlier that I don't feel a tad older, I do feel tired.  Physically... I'm good!  Mentally, spiritually and emotionally... I'm spent, bent even!

I blame no one for where I am.  On the contrary, I am embarrassed for dragging my loved ones to where I am now... "This Dark Place".  

For a moment, I lost hope. I caught myself tolerating things I wouldn't have tolerated years ago.  But that's because I've done things I never knew I would've done.  Lame.  

There is no way to change what has been done.  But I've come to terms to deal with the consequences of my actions.  

Yes, my nights have been worst than they were but it makes me appreciate the rare times I'm able to have a good night's rest.

As much as I would like to go on... all I know is that this whole chapter in my life is necessary for me to handle what I am about to go through.  

No I'm not worried.  Sad... yes.  But it is what it is.  

And like any other journey, there are days when the roads are wide and clear.  And there are days when the roads are narrow and jammed.  And then there are those days when traffic is just at a standstill and you wished you didn't have to be on the road at all.  Such is life!  And I've learned to accept and embrace its dynamic with a optimism and faith in the Almighty that all things are possible and that no one is beyond hope!

How Many Times?

Most of you breeze through life like you have the manual at the back of your hand.  However, there are some of us who fumble every so often trying to figure out how we can keep our lives in motion and not rot in a “rut”!

 

Often times, we wonder if being successful isn’t really meant for us. Or maybe we really have the word “loser” engraved on our foreheads or in our hearts. Better yet, we’ve probably branded our lives an “Epic Fail!”

I’ve often fallen flat on my face over the course of my existence. And I will not lie about how painful they’ve been. Yes, I’ve bruised and have been wounded in the process. And now I have the scars of yesteryears to remind me of my failures. 

So how many times must we fail, you might wonder. I’ve asked that question so many times. I remember my father telling me that there are more “no” that “yes” in every aspect of life.

Rejection will always be there, he affirmed. He stressed it to me that if a yes was easily achieved, it wouldn’t mean a thing. He went on to tell me that rejection is the gate that keeps mediocre people away from what they want. 

I really didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I was his first born son and was kinda spoiled so I pretty much got what I wanted. It was only when my parents passed away that I realized and applied what was taught me. 

So how many times do we try to make it in life? As much as we would like to. And for as long as we are breathing. 

Here are some tips to keep you from throwing in the towel:

Have the desire

Having the desire to achieve what you want conditions your mindset and your heart to the end result. So instead of finding excuses on why you should do it, having a strong desire helps you find solutions on how you can achieve what you want. 

A sense of humility 

There is no need to brag about wanting to climb Mount Everest. Having a sense of humility allows you to embrace your humanity. It helps you realize what is real and what is achievable. It also helps you to keep going after your goals over and over. A sense of humility helps you understand that failure is part of the process. 

Be vigilant and steadfast 

There are people who will pose as your friends. But in reality, these people the are “dream poppers” of your existence. They will tell you that it’s better to be mediocre than to humiliate yourself trying to be someone better. Keep away from these people. 

Don’t try to be someone you’re not 

Who you are is beautiful in itself. God made you in his image and likeness but you are uniquely YOU!  the goal is to try and try and try to improve yourself within the context of who you are. You don’t want to be someone you’re not. 

With these tips in mind, learn to appreciate the fact that what you may have now is something envied by those around you. If you must ask yourself how many times you should attempt at something, make sure you know the ultimate benefit you will get out of it. At the end of the day, of it’s worth fighting for, it doesn’t matter how many times you have to try to go after whatever it is your after.

Good Is Not Great!

I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to be.  As a matter of fact, I’ve begun asking myself what I did wrong to get me to where I am right now.  And the answer was very clear… I followed my heart!

I don’t know whom I got that advise from but I will tell you this right now.  Following your heart may not always be the right decision or choice.  Beware when others tell you that as long as it makes you happy, you’re good.  In reality, it isn’t always the case.

I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions and bad choices because I followed my heart.  Listen my friend, our heart doesn’t think!  It simply does what it feels is good.  And often times, what feels good isn’t always good!

When we lead with our hearts, we will fail.  But it doesn’t mean we should ignore the heart, for it is where our passion is born.  The heart is an engine that moves the will forward.  Contrary to what many of us have been taught, the heart doesn’t steer.  That is the job of the mind! 

Our mind helps us stay on the right path.  It knows what is right and what is wrong.  It doesn’t feel.  It knows! 

As an artist, I was foolish not to use my head but instead, my heart!  And now I know that I am wrong.  My heart was settling for what it felt was good.  And I was a slave to my heart.  I followed how it wanted to feel, ignoring the warning signs… all because it felt good!

And because I had something good, I lost the opportunity to have something great! 

A balanced usage of the heart and the mind would’ve told me to stop what I was doing and not allow me to fall off the “cliff”.  If I had only applied “principles” to my decision making process, I would be in a greater place right now.

But it’s all good because life is full of second chances.  And this time, I will use my mind, and not just my heart, because I don’t want to have something good.  I want to experience something GREAT!

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